Bringing Back Social Clubs(but for Weirdos)
You are cordially invited to join my Lonely Hearts Club, "for people who are trying to find a lover or a friend"
Belonging is weird.
When I think about belonging, I think about being younger. Birthday parties, high school, even working on film sets.
The older I've gotten, the harder it seems to find a sense of belonging.
Who else feels like this?
The Default Path
The "default path" is to start a family in your 20's or 30's.
I haven't done that, maybe I won't. I have a partner but we haven't had that convo yet.
I'm open to having a family. More than that, I just want to feel like I belong somewhereOf the male friends that I grew up with, both married/not married, what I'm struck by is the palpable sense of loneliness.
Shame too.
We've every reason to reach out, and call each other every once in a while, but we mostly don't. I wonder if these friends in particular–my “dude friends”–feel this same sense of not belonging anywhere. It sure does seem like it.
I suppose we most of us feel a kind of belonging in our primary romantic relationships, but is that the same thing as feeling firmly, socially-ensconced in your community?
To me, a sense of belonging is being situated within communities where you live. Feeling comfortable. Like you can move and breathe easily. Like a worn pair of jeans.
This is one of the fatal flaws of the digital nomad/WFH lifestyles.
2022: A Year of Being Down Bad
In 2022, I rarely saw friends and spent the year cycling through depression, long-covid, + work stress. Id skate once/week, and maybe play an open mic. I wanted social connection, but I couldn't seem to find it.
Seems this is not uncommon? It makes me think about the proliferation of groups and clubs that blossomed from the early 1900's through the 1970's, and how most no longer exist.
Service clubs, social clubs, softball and bowling leagues–mostly all gone.
In 1995, Robert Putnam was already writing that "scholars and democratic activists alike have lamented the absence or obliteration of traditions of independent civic engagement". Unions, fraternal orgs, etc–all in decline.
The PTA seems to be one of the last few civic organizations in existence.
And now venture is taking stabs at creating social clubs again. I guess this has been happening for the last decade or so. The rich will always have stuff like this–they have the capital to preserve whatever traditions and institutions they like.
Even if venture-funded social clubs were accessible to regular people, I don't see how they could work 🤮
“Can’t Hang, Gotta Work. Maybe Next Time!”
What I hear most people from my age and younger is some variation of "I'd love to do [x], but I have to work all the time]"
I feel that way too. In NYC, it costs $100 just to go outside.
So what can we do?
How have you noticed culture changing, when it's "too expensive to go outside", there are little to no clubs to join, and you have to work all the time to make ends meet?At first I naively thought collectively-owned housing was the answer, but I'm realizing now that that's too big of a lift for mostly people.
It takes too much time, trust, and capital for that to be an actionable solution for most of us.I'm interested in this idea of infrastructures of care, a term I learned from reading @annehelenpetersen's newsletter, Culture Study.
tl;dr: infrastructures of care are resilient and human-powered systems that provide care for the vulnerable and those that need it.
Building Community Where You Are
Maybe the best option is focusing on building relationships with neighbors and people in our communities.
Seems obvious yeah, but what options do we have left.
Doing this has been my lifes quest–it's been challenging. Im neurodivergent + dont always pick up on social cues in the way an NT person wouldIn 2021 I started a web3 meetup in NYC. Was amazed to see the same people week after week. Eventually I got bored of it, turned it over to friends to run.
I’d never had that experience before. Apparently you can just start a meetup! Who knew?
I Still Feel Lonely
I have friends I can call or make plans with, a partner, hobbies I like–and I still I feel lonely quite often
Maybe I shouldn't work remotely anymore. Maybe I should start a meetup for other lonely people in NYC? Like a "Lonelyhearts Club"Collins Dictionary defines "Lonely Hearts Club" as "a club for people who are looking for a lover or a friend"
I'm sure it would attract some weirdos, but I'm a weirdo.
Weirdos no longer have many places to go–something must be done.
And I absolutely adore most old, senior-age weirdos, generally speaking.
Maybe we can all wield weirdo collective power together.
Or at least keep each other company ❤️
If you like this idea, hit me up. If you don’t live in NYC, maybe we can create a virtual Lonely Hearts Club online (whoaaa).
resonate hard with this
Really like the reference to the history of social clubs! There was a Rotary Club in my hometown and I never understood what exactly it was for. It's an interesting question if there's a way to modernize them since the longing for community is so clear.
It's also interesting how the coworking companies referenced in the FastCo article imploded (The Wing + WeWork). Maybe more of a market timing issue than an indictment of the problem space, but interesting to see what alternative business models people can come up with.