Six Magic Words: Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel
A compass to gauge the emotional health of whatever group of people you find yourself in 🧭
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If you've read TTSE, you're probably aware that I've dealt with clinical depression for a long time–since age 11, to be exact.
To treat it, Ive tried:
Meds (age 11-24)
Therapy (age 11-current)
A bunch of other stuff (group therapy, TCM, 12-step)
I also got really into smoking weed as a teen, but was burnt out on drugs and alcohol by the time I graduated high school(barely).
Having Depression Sucks
Having long-term, treatment-resistant depression has sucked. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I understand my own depression as something that is epigenetic.
At some point, when I was 11, it’s like a timer ran out, and unlocked this perpetual heaviness and sadness. A pervasive feeling of worthlessness became a constant feature of my day-to-day.
My belief, is that something terrible happened to one of my ancestors happened around age 11, and that I’m reliving it, and carrying that burden. “Sins of the father”, and all that.
I learned about the concept of epigenetic trauma from Mark Wolynn’s book, It Didn’t Start With You. I also paid $400 to do a session with him once that was intense and insightful. If you want to support TTSE, you can buy the book via this link.
Looking Back on 27 Years of Depression
When I look back on my experience with depression so far–I’d estimate 3/5th of my life–I think about what was lost, what could've been.
I wish I would've got my bachelor's but depression made finishing impossible. Countless abandoned art projects. Working full-time has been a struggle. Failed friendships and relationships.
In 2022, my depression got particularly bad.
I was working full-time at a job that I loved(at the time).
I had to do something. I started researching options.
I wasn’t suicidal, but I remember having this feeling of feeling so heavy, sad, and unmotivated. The job I was in was easily the most high-paying and best job I’d ever had, by a mile. I enjoyed the work.
I wanted to stay employed. I dreamed of buying a house somewhere upstate or in New England. Having this job made that dream entirely feasible.
I realized needed something more intensive than just meeting with a therapist once a week, which I’d been doing off-and-on since I was 11, with numerous breaks from therapy peppered in.
Anyways, at the time I was, as the kids say nowadays, down bad.
Note: I did not write this caption, and I have never played Fortnite.
I enrolled in a group therapy program through Columbia University. Luckily, I had health benefits through my job, and my insurance covered it.
Since Covid was happening, the program took place online. For four months or so, I did 8-10 hours of Zoom therapy per week. Each group consisted of one clinician, and 8-12 other 30-50 year-olds.
Doing the program was a struggle. I was still working full-time, and the program coordinators kept telling me they weren't sure if I was a fit, for various reasons: most people do 12-14 hours per week, most people take time off from work, my depression might be too treatment-resistant to see results with their particular program.
Still, I liked doing it. The program kept me afloat during that time. It took me a month or so to feel safe to share in group–I’d never done group therapy. I grew up in a family where it wasnt safe or welcomed to share feelings.
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Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel
It was in one of the therapy groups that I first learned the phrase: “Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel”.
As far as I know, DTDTDF comes from the Dr. Claudia Black's work, in the context of Al-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics.
I learned about DTDTDF, in one of the Columbia Day Program therapy groups. This group in particular was led by a very unassuming but wise clinician, named Leonard. Leonard was in his mid-50’s, perhaps. He had a full head of gray hair, and a healthy mustache.
Looking back, I adored Leonard. He exuded a kind of soft masculine power that is rare, especially in the US. What Leonard was best at, was listening, asking questions, and then asking more questions, until he’d guided you to the point where you were ready for feedback from him, practically desperate for it. And he would recommend a single thing to try, or a course of action. It was like watching a master sculptor at work, or maybe a glass blower.
In one session, Leonard brought up “the laundry list”. The laundry list is a list of 14 toxic traits that are common with adult children of alcoholic parents. Myself and another person identified with many traits in the list.
In that session, the group also learned that DTDTDF is a hallmark of dysfunctional families.
For me, learning about ACA came at the right time.
I was laid off mid-June, and had already spoken with Day Program coordinators to cycle out of the program by end of month. I felt I had to, because I wasn't sure what was going to happen with my insurance, and I was also just burnt out from my job and the program.
Belonging = Places Where You Can “Talk, Trust, and Feel”
Via ACA, I've found a group of people who are nonjudgemental and supportive listeners. It's a place to vent, and to share feelings and experiences to a non-critical group of people. More succinctly, I've found a place where it is safe to "talk, trust, and feel".
This is a form of intimacy. I am realizing that this feeling of being safe to talk, trust, and feel, has been a part of my deepest friendships and romantic relationships.
I think there has been an element of "talk trust feel" in all of the relationships and groups I've been a part of, where I’ve felt that I belonged.
I think of the youth sports I played, 9th grade freshman football, boxing training post-high school in an old fighter's garage, the first band I was in…
Said another way, the groups in which I felt the deepest, most natural sense of belonging are the ones where it felt safe/ok to "talk, trust, feel (and remember)"
A Compass for Belonging
It might seem obvious, but there's an aspect of “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel”, that I think is profound.
At a societal level, US culture looks to be trending more and more towards, "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel".
I attribute this to the material conditions/austerity measures we are experiencing, plus a "culture of distrust" perpetuated by social media and mass media.
Said another way: cost-of-living going up, social media profits from stoking the outrage of individuals and groups (more attention = more eyeballs on ads).
With this shift–this "meaning crisis"–loneliness and alienation are becoming more widely and more deeply felt by Americans.
I offer this concept of "Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel", as a tool to help you find where you belong
I know I'm not the only one who is lonely. I think there is a significant portion of American society that is lonely. Most of us just accept it, I think. We make do.
Feeling lonely, to me, is to lack a sense of belonging. It actually took me a while to connect these two ideas.
I think it takes a cognitive/emotional leap to go from, "Fuck, I'm lonely. I'm not sure why", to, "I'm lonely because I feel like I don't truly belong anywhere."
And I think that once you make that leap, the next step is, "Well, I have to belong somewhere. Let me try to find the sense of belonging I desire."
Will admit, finding a sense of belonging may take a significant amount of internal work as well. It may not be 50/50 either.
And yes, I suppose there is a difference between feeling "a sense of belonging" and "finding where you belong".
Tbh, I've found a lot of the internal work stuff to be a waste of time, in comparison to just spending quality time with people I love and resonate with.
I don't want to find my buddha nature, I really just want to find a group of buddies to skate with, go on trips with, build stuff with, do volunteer stuff with, etc.
Like @johannhari101 says in his book, Lost Connections, depression is a "loss of connection"(I’m paraphrasing but I feel this is accurate).
Hari lists nine types of disconnection. Some of them are: loss of status, childhood trauma, disconnect from a hopeful future.
In his book, Hari recommends social prescriptions to reconnect the lost connections, and I've found this to be true. That means finding groups in which you feel a sense of belonging.
Lost Connections is the only book about depression that I've read that gets this, and as such, is the only one that I'd recommend. You can buy a copy here to support this newsletter.
What Are Social Prescriptions?
By social prescriptions, Hari means rebuilding social connections by finding and nurturing, meaningful connections to individuals and groups.
And that can be really hard, and scary.
In my own quest to reckon with/integrate my depression, I have found the process of finding belonging to be especially challenging, and sometimes alienating.
I don’t always know how to make friends. It’s gotten harder as I’ve gotten older, and I’ve noticed this with my other friends who are in their late-30’s: gay, straight, male, female, queer, etc.
It’s just harder to make friends as you get older.
This Tara Booth slideshow feels relevant.
I recently published this piece ideating on bringing back social clubs, for lonely weirdos like myself, and my friends. If you want to join or help organize, hit me up.
I've developed a better sense of which groups and friendships to invest in, by using "Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel" as a litmus test.
Granted, it's a spectrum. In any relationship, there will always be some amount of dysfunction or conflict.
The Question Is, "Is healthy conflict tolerated, and even encouraged?"
As I get older, I've learned to identify groups where "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" is the norm, and it has saved me a significant amount of heartbreak and strife.
The search for belonging, and developing a sense of belonging is arduous, and long.
But I am learning that there are people, and groups of people out there, who do value healthy communication, and relating. They really do exist.
Sometimes, its those who were taught "secure attachment", or have earned it through hard work. I wrote this post about “doing the shadow work” to better “live in community”, whether that’s just being a better friend and neighbor, or you’re thinking about starting or joining an intentional community.
Anne Helen Petersen’s writing on “infrastructures of care” has been a touchstone for me recently. I seem to refer to it constantly in writing for TTSE.
Many times , it’s the people who are still working on themselves, who are also seeking for a sense of belonging(and real, IRL belonging–two different), that make the best companions in this journey.